SHOULD PUNISHMENT BE USED IN THE EDUCATION OF CHILDREN?
Ways of raising children depend to a large extent on the cultural context and historical moment. Many methods that were once considered very useful and desirable are now questioned, and some are even completely rejected. One thing has remained unchanged - being a parent is not easy.
A frequent question that parents ask is: should punishment be used in raising children? Parents most often resort to punishment when they want to prevent some behavior, but paradoxically, that behavior is maintained, and new, even more undesirable behaviors develop along with it. These are some of the reasons why this can happen and why punishment is not the best choice in raising children:
1. Punishment develops a negative self-image in children.
Parents are figures similar to deities to children during their growing up. Therefore, everything parents do, all the messages they send consciously or unconsciously - children notice and highly value. If a parent punishes a child, he sends him the message: "You're not worth it. You're not good. You're wrong.", and the child receives that message and internalizes it over time, which becomes one of the child's attitudes about himself. A negative self-image, accompanied by low self-confidence and self-esteem, can lead to the child exhibiting a wide repertoire of inappropriate behaviors in order to confirm to himself what others and he think about him (which is that he is not good), which achieves exactly the opposite of what the punishment was supposed to lead to.
2. Punishment does not deter behavior.
Contrary to popular belief, punishment does not prevent certain behavior from occurring. A child will not forget how to eat sweets before lunch if we punish him enough, he will just learn how to hide better while eating sweets, so that he is not caught next time. Punishment actually stops the behavior only while the punisher is watching the child (sometimes not even then). As soon as the parent is not present - the child will exhibit the same behavior and along the way learn how to punish others.
3. By punishing children, you teach children to punish others.
It often happens that parents are called to the kindergarten/school for an interview because their child has been hit by another child. In order to stop such behavior, parents hit their child in an attempt to prevent him from doing it again. However, what then happens is not that the unwanted behavior is eradicated, but the opposite - the child learns that hitting is the way to react when someone else does something we don't want. Thus, the first time a parent is not present to supervise it, it will hit a peer again.
4. Reward is more effective than punishment.
The use of reward in raising children has been shown to be far more effective than punishment. In addition to the fact that through positive messages addressed to the child, his sense of personal value, autonomy, self-efficacy is strengthened, rewarding reinforces positive patterns of behavior, and no one is needed to supervise the child in order for him to behave appropriately, i.e., the child develops an internal locus of control - he does not behave appropriately just because he expects a reward, but over time he begins to behave appropriately because that is what he wants and expects from himself. It is clear, however, that using the reward can sometimes be very challenging. Often parents don't know what to reward when a child does something they don't want. In such situations, the most important thing is to try to look at the situation objectively, and then from the child's perspective. For example, if a child is constantly jumping around the table and yelling while you are trying to have lunch in peace, your first reaction may be to yell at the child and punish him. Anger and yelling usually follow when we think someone is doing something bad to us on purpose . However, if you look at the situation objectively, and then from the child's perspective, you will conclude that the child is not exhibiting the given behavior to harm you, but because he needs attention.
This kind of observation already gives a lot of opportunities to apply the reward because now we know what has a rewarding effect for the child, and that is your attention. You can say to the child, "I heard that you are very good at sitting. Would you like to show me, I can't sit well," and then reward the child with verbal praise when he performs the desired behavior. Or, if the child is older, you can say, "I see you've missed me a lot. I've missed you too. I'd love to play at lunch, but I can't eat lunch while you're running around me. Sit and keep me company," and then praise the child when he calms down. Until he calms down, you can simply ignore the inappropriate behavior, but don't forget to apply the reward when the child has done the right thing.
Jovana Dimkic